Helping kids grow in independence can be challenging, especially when it comes to daily routines, chores, and general behavior. Over the years, I’ve tried countless strategies—stars, rewards, pegboards, natural consequences, and discipline. After much trial and error, I’ve found a balance that works for our family, and I’m hopeful these tools will help you find balance in yours as well.
Rewards: The Double-Edged Sword
Many systems reward children for completing tasks, which can be great if you favor positive reinforcement. Rewards might range from simple stickers to bigger treats like a trip to a trampoline park. However, we hit a snag—my oldest started expecting a reward for every little thing, while my youngest was indifferent to the whole idea.
Ultimately, I wanted my kids to learn the value of being helpful and serving others without always expecting something in return. Over time, we’ve refined our approach to rewards, finding a way to make them a part of our system without being the main focus.
Discipline: A Delicate Balance
Discipline is tricky because it can easily veer into the territory of corporal punishment. In our early parenting years, we did use spanking but under strict guidelines—it was always done with the hand, above clothing, with a limit of 1-3 swats, and never in anger. We followed a three-strike rule, with two warnings before any spanking, though certain situations warranted immediate action.
As our children grew, we transitioned from spanking to alternative methods like jumping jacks or push-ups, depending on the child’s age and coordination. For example, if misbehavior occurred in public, I’d opt for jumping jacks to avoid their hands touching dirty floors. Now that my oldest is a teenager, we rarely need to discipline him, but when we do, it’s usually by taking away privileges like time with friends or video games until tasks are completed.
Finding What Works: A Blend of Reward and Discipline
What’s worked best for us is a mix of timers, checkmarks, and push-ups. When our kids were younger, we used a timer to set a limit for completing tasks. If they finished on time, they’d earn a checkmark on whatever chart we were using. After earning a set number of checkmarks, they’d get a reward—30 extra minutes of video games or a lunch date with a parent were favorites.
If the task wasn’t completed in time, they had to do 5-10 push-ups (or jumping jacks for the little ones) and try again. Finding the right time limit was a process; we’d time them completing the task under supervision and add a few extra minutes.
This system worked well from ages 2 to 8, but around age 9, we noticed a shift. The timer became unnecessary, and push-ups became rare. The natural consequence of not being able to do anything else until the task was done became the primary motivator.
Different Types of Charts: What We Used and Why
Daily Stewardship Chart: This is your classic chore chart or to-do list. When the kids were little, the lists were the same each week, helping them learn basic chores and personal care. As they got older, they didn’t need these charts for routine tasks and switched to making to-do lists for special reminders.
Student Planner: As our kids advanced in their homeschooling and began exploring personal interests, daily stewardship charts gave way to student planners. These planners helped organize weekly assignments, and if they completed all their tasks for six weeks, they earned a lunch date with a parent. A week with a missed assignment(s) meant making up the work over the weekend and didn’t count towards the six weeks needed for a reward.
Calendars: Family calendars kept us all on the same page. We started with a magnetic whiteboard in the kitchen for events and activities. As the kids grew into teens, we transitioned to digital family and private calendars. This not only prevented overbooking but also strengthened our family bond by allowing us to support and show interest in each other’s schedules and activities.
Bottom Line
Parenting is about finding what works best for your family, and it’s often a journey of trial and error. Whether you use rewards, discipline, or a combination of both, the key is to create a system that fosters independence and a sense of responsibility in your children. Though your method may not stay consistent, your goal of raising independent and helpful children remains consistent.
Final Thought
As your kids grow, so will your approach to helping them become independent. Check out our Daily, Weekly, & Monthly Schedule Charts: Student Planner & Stewardship Packet. Stay flexible, and remember that the goal is to raise children who contribute to their family and community with or without a chart to guide them or a reward for their helpfulness